Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

finally found a reasonable question

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???