Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance