Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.