Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

I unironically love this joke.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.