Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}