*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.