Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”