*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?