Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.