Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.