Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants