Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes