[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

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Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.


I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.


Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.


Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill


When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.


I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this


I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up