Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.
So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up