Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

just witnessed a drug deal

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Me, in DM rooms…

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???