Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

had to make it

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

📽️movie date🎞️

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

🤝

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.