Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I just love that new Pope smell.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Sunday