*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
it must be school picture day
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*