(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
that’s really how it is
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
what’s in a name?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit