Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Family Celebrity

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.