[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
This was the best day of my life
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this