[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Mmmm canned fish.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?