[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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The word Ohio looks like a tractor
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Rt to bother an English speaker
