[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Meow
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.