Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

ㅤ

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Mapping America’s Far Right

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.