Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

when u come home smelling like another dog

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.