Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish