[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*