[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?