[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
this is what they would have looked like, though
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”