[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?