Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me: