Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!