[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Breaking news:
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.