[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color