[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
#inspiration #foodforthought
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.