Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.