[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
A wise man once said nothing.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
10/10 no notes
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back