Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.