[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Finally, a door that understands me
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”