Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.