[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.