Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

time for some seasonal decor

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

love it when they get my name right

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

Just got to our Airbnb!

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1251473480811331584/pu/vid/720x1280/j4z5s_vtl1yERnjH.mp4?tag=10

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.