Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop