Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

where do you see yourself in five years?

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners