[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
m’lady
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.