Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”