[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.