[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Give a baker flours on your first date.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I want what they have
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.