Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.