[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.