Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.