[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”