Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

is this store having a stroke wtf

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

lol

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire