[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
You Might Also Like
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.