Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

A Monday every week is excessive

Air pods looking like an angry frog

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?