*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
(Electricians.)
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
🤣
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.