Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

My humor is broken

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ