*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
You Might Also Like
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.