Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*