Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

my mom making me talk to relatives

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.