Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wish you had this many chins.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

rapatouille

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Not all heroes wear capes.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there