Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.