Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.