I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”