Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

The Compass

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.