Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

blocked.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Sorry. Not sorry

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

This why you should mind your business

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.