Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Seems a bit forward

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …