[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?