Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

This could be us… but you playing

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Nice try, NASA

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

My first child will be named New Folder.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*