Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.