[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
describing stardew valley
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.