Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack