Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?