[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
yikes
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?