[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.